THE TOP TEN WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL-TIME
Working in the retail business for all of my college career and a few years thereafter, I had the unfortunate pleasure of being inundated with a playlist of Christmas songs during the holiday season that could drive even the most sane person crazy. By "holiday season", I mean from the beginning of November through the middle of January. Yes, almost three months of the same 20 Christmas songs on repeat. Two weeks into the "holiday season" any full-time employee knew the playlist by heart and could sing every song word for word. Not good. With that in mind, I thought I would offer up my list of Worst Christmas Songs of All-Time. It needs to be done. I like to think of it as a method of therapy for me... I am slowly healed 3 years later. I still get flashbacks whenever I set foot back in any retail store during the "holiday season". I pity those around me when this happens. Without further ado, here's my list.
THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL-TIME
Carnie & Wendy Wilson - "Hey Santa"
I don't know what is worse, the song or the video.
Paul McCartney - "Wonderful Christmas Time"
I thought I knew how annoying synthesizers were... I was wrong. This song almost single-handedly proves that Paul is Dead.
Band Aid - "Do They Know It's Christmas"
Bono, Boy George, Phil Collins, Paul Young, George Michael, Sting, Duran Duran, Bananarama, among others collaborate to create one of the single worst songs of all-time. Oh yeah, Paul McCartney was in this too... go figure. The chorus is absolutely awful. I would say the lyrics are bad, but I could never understand what they were singing because the damn synthesizers were mixed too loud. Ugh. Awful. One more thing, I forgot Bono used to look like Bobcat Goldthwait back then.
Wham! - "Last Christmas"
I'm not sure which is more ackward, the misplaced jingle bells throughout the song or George Michael with a girl.
Barbara Streisand - "Jingle Bells"
I don't know why I dislike this song so much. It's probably because I don't like Streisand. Oh, and the fact that she butchers this song.
Mariah Carey - "All I Want for Christmas is You"
But it's such a great song... blah blah blah. Mariah Carey sucks and so does this song. However, she was pretty smoking in the Black and White version of the video. My how things have changed. I actually like Olivia Olson's version of the song, though.
NewSong - "Christmas Shoes"
First off, Rob Lowe - nice career move. Wow. Secondly, we've all been affected by someone terminally ill. It can be one of the most gut wrenching experiences you'll ever have to endure in your lifetime. I went through that sort of thing with my grandma. That said, this song was written to prey on the emotions that surround the holidays. It's a crappy song and I don't for once believe it should ever be observed as "Christmas Song", however I had to include it on this list. Crappy ass song. Just crappy.
Celine Dion - Happy Christmas (War is Over)
Leave it up a Canadian to ruin a pretty decent little Christmas song. Lennon is spinning in his grave. Thanks a lot, Celine. You suck. You REALLY suck. Then again, this is the same woman who wanted to take a kayak into New Orleans.
Britney Spears - My Only Wish This Year
Ok, I'll admit it. I liked Britney when she first came onto the scene. She was hot, could dance, and was... uh.. hot. This song, however, is junk. Another teenie bop, popcorn and cotton candy fluff song. It's utter crap.
The Barking Dogs - "Jingle Bells"
It was the cutest thing ever... the first time you heard it.
Well, that's my list. A list full of those songs you hear during the "holiday season" that make you wish it was summer. And seeing as Christmas is a time for joy and giving, I'll offer you a few of the songs that I thoroughly enjoy listening to during that special time of the year. I have to prove I am not a Scrooge.
THE BEST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL-TIME
NAT KING COLE - "THE CHRISTMAS SONG"
Yes, Mel Torme wrote it, but Nat does it best.
BING CROSBY - "MELE KALIKIMAKA"
If you don't like National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, you need to be punched in the face.
ELVIS PRESLEY - "BLUE CHRISTMAS"
Personally, I am not a fan of Elvis, but this is a classic.
DAVE MATTHEWS - "CHRISTMAS SONG"
Dave absolutely kills performing this song. It's great.
BING CROSBY - "WHITE CHRISTMAS"
Probably my favorite Christmas song. Crosby is stellar.
BOBBY HELMS - "JINGLE BELL ROCK"
BURL IVES - "HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS"
One of kind voice. Terrific tune.
JOHN LENNON - "HAPPY CHRISTMAS (WAR IS OVER)"
This is the only version that is allowed.
PERRY COMO - "HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS"
MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER - "GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN"
Love their work, they have some of the best Christmas music.
THE LITTLE STINKERS - "I FARTED ON SANTA'S LAP"
Christmas is about being happy and spreading joy, these kids do just that.
MR. HANKEY'S CHRISTMAS CLASSICS - "MR HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO"
He's seen the love inside of you 'cause he's a piece of poo.
JOHN DENVER AND THE MUPPETS - "WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS"
R.I.P. John Denver and Jim Hensen, but at least they made one thing that was great.
ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS - "THE CHRISTMAS SONG"
Every kid's favorite Christmas song. Yeaaa Christmas!!