Monday, June 04, 2012

MBB: Jarrod Uthoff is a Secret Agent

SUPER AWESOME EDITORIALIZATION ENGAGED....




Back in July of 2010, Jarrod Uthoff chose to accept a scholarship to play basketball for the Wisconsin Badgers.  To the outside world, he had pledged his allegiance to Bo Ryan and Badger Nation.  Oh you silly people in the sports world and general sports fandom, you.  Don't you see what happened?  Haven't you watched enough Archer to figure this out by now?  Jarrod Uthoff and Fran McCaffery just pulled off the greatest con in the last decade of B1G Basketball.  Don't believe me?  Here you go...

McCaffery was hired by Iowa and he immediately dug in and tried to retain the current players that had signed an NLI.  Wisconsin got in the ear of one of the signed players (Ben Brust) and after a bunch of hoopla, Brust was allowed to go play for Bo Ryan penalty free.  That pissed off McCaffery.  A lot.  East coast, Philly-type White Magic fury. Grrrr, I'm-really-mad type of stuff.

http://thegazette.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Fran-Bo2-300x214.jpg
Pretty confident McCaffery is giving a chocolate-covered pretzel stink palm here

There is no love lost between Fran and Bo.  Hate isn't a strong enough word.

So, how to retaliate? Easy. Go find a diehard Hawkeye fan who just so happened to be a Top 150 player with a Wisconsin scholarship offer.  Couldn't be that hard to find, right?  Oh, there you are Jarrod Uthoff (who just so happened to reside a half an hour from Carver-Hawkeye Arena).  I see how this will pan out.  Be sure to have Uthoff mention Bohannon (one of the first Eastern Iowa preps to spurn Iowa for Wisconsin) in his commitment to Wisconsin too, so he sounds honest.  Have him say all the right things.  It worked.  For all intents and purposes, everyone thought Jarrod was a Badger.  Except he was double-agenting all over Bo Ryan's face.  Still don't believe me?

Iowa hadn't beaten Wisconsin on the road since 2000 (nine straight losses).  In the last five games in the Kohl Center - Iowa had lost by an AVERAGE of 17 points.  Iowa went to Madison and whooped up on the Badgers, they put up 72 points against Bo Ryan's defense (that's like the infinity sign against most defenses).  How?  How did they do it?  Wisconsin was a Top 15 team, Iowa had lost to Campbell at home just over a month previous.  I'll tell you how Iowa won.  Jarrod Uthoff.  I'm sure he got a bunch of film and paperwork on all of Wisconsin complicated offensive sets to the Iowa staff.  I'm mean that Wisconsin offense is nearly impossible to scout against - how are you supposed to play defense for 30 seconds while the offense just dribbles around aimlessly (hint - you can't, it's reaaaaallly tough).  Not to mention Uthoff must have added something to the Gatorade on the Badger bench, how else does Wisconsin shoot 3-28 from behind the arc?  Thanks, Agent Uthoff. 


And then Wisconsin comes to Iowa to rectify the situation, to get one back on Iowa.  They forgot they were on Uthoff's turf, though.  He already had the entire state on his side.  Remember the stuff he added to Wisconsin's Gatorade up in Madison?  He added the exact opposite serum to Iowa's drink of choice in one bottle, the bottle that belonged to Matt Gatens.  That's why Matty Fresh went BANANAS on Wisconsin in February.  Because of Jarrod Uthoff.  Sneaky, sneaky Uthoff.



Alright, so you don't really buy into this conspiracy, huh?  No? Don't forget this tidbit.  Bo Ryan wanted Jarrod Uthoff to play last year, but Uthoff himself chose to redshirt.  No way could he log minutes as a Badger.  Look, giving information to your hometown team is one thing, but actually playing on the bad guys' team is a whole 'nuther level.

So when Jarrod Uthoff officially decides to come to play for Iowa, don't be fooled.  He was always playing for the Hawkeyes, he just lived in a different state.

10 comments:

  1. Good read, very good read.

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  2. I laughed until i pooped.

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  3. Ha ha ha awesome

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  4. I pooped until I laughed...

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  5. I pooped and it wasn't funny at all! - MelroseHawkins

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  6. Poopin' aint easy

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  7. Pooooooooooooooooooooooooop

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    Replies
    1. Great imagination! Enjoyed it.

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  8. are you a Ron Paul supporter?

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